(Unedited Rant)

No I don’t love u,

Really... I’m just being me,

Just being selfish.

But sometimes, when I come closer to u, I take a deep breath, trying to inhale you inside me. The misty smell of your perfume and skin. I do not realize the ring cutting into my finger as I hold your hand tight, trying to make it one with mine.

I bite you; because I’m egotistic, I want to jus see you feeling the pleasure. And then when I hold you, I forget my body. I come closer to my womanhood. In the height of love making, tears of gratitude for you jus escape somehow. And I just smile as you blow smoke from a lit cigarette. Try to catch the smoke like a ghost... hoping it remains with me stored in between a book or small matchbox that you threw.

And then sometimes I stare at you. so much my eyes hurt. I try to hide my eyes behind my glasses. You might see the nakedness in my eyes, but when I shut my eyes my brain aches with your memories. I often forget when you’re actually with me and when I’m deluded.

When you talk, I want to bolt your expressions inside my ears. I don’t want anymore sounds after that. I only want to hear the clinking of the glass that you just kept down or the song that you hummed in your head. I want to sense everything that you touch. Now, as I work in the house; I find your fingerprints; on the glass, in curls of my hair and on my essence, my soul.

When you depart, I still keep standing. I overlook that you left, jus stare thoughtlessly. And then I come to the bed where u slept, truth hits me and I see each crease of the messy bed. You are really gone.

I want to melt into u, dissolve into you. Want no part of me to be into existence. Surrender and only worship u. I want to be the least and have no identity, except your name on me. Soon the bell rings and you are back home. As you put on the tv. I realize... I just want, I want so much, and I want the whole of you. I am selfish... I don’t love you. I love being empty around you.