Live

He was yelling, his eyes were red,
There were pieces of broken glass on the floor.
She was in one corner, too terrified to cry.
She dint even shiver she couldn’t move her eyelids too.

He left banging the door behind him.
She didn’t know how long she sat there.
Slowly she got up cleaned everything while tears kept flowing.
She did not feel the tears on her face.

She stood near the mirror, dressing the wound on her face.
She was not looking at herself in the mirror,
Although her eyes stood fixed on her face.
The only thing she dreaded was the doorbell, when he would be back.

All she had to do was lock the door, forever, but she couldn’t
She could not lock him out of her life. He was all she had.
She loved him. And in his twisted way,
He loved her too.

She hugged the pillow tightly and said softly, ‘I want mamma…’
When she hit rock bottom she needed her mom.
One tear dropped and the next thing she knew she was wailing…
Every time it happened, she felt dead. She died that night again.

Late night he entered, he hugged her, said, ‘Sorry, never again honey.’
He kissed her, made love, said most beautiful things.
She cried then smiled said ‘it’s ok’, knowing that it was going to happen again.
While he slept holding her, she lay awake. She had indeed been dead.

He woke up next morning, cranky for his morning tea.
The house was perfectly in place and empty, unlike last night.
The cracked mirror had a small post it on it,
‘I can’t baby. Bye’ she decided to leave and live.

Knowing you.

(some poetry i wrote 4ish years ago... ironically still makes sense)

We have known each other for so long,
Through huge storms and rains, we have said ‘I do’,
Through thick and thin, we have sung the same song,
But sometimes I feel I don’t know you…


Like sore enemies some times we really fought,
Fought till we did not know whos who.
In the end, the values to each other we taught.
Still, some times I feel I don’t know you…


You totally knew me outside in,
Some times to gather myself I needed you.
If there were a test on me, you’d surely win,
I still feel I don’t know you…


In spite of all this you still remain a mystery,
People say in love you knowing each other is must,
But I think of a totally different story,
I don’t know you, but in you, my love, I blindly trust.

Loving you.

(its slightly immature but simply what it feels like to be in denial abt accepting feelings. do comment. dedicated to: the stranger who makes us deny.)

Walking all alone in the shady lane,

In the dense darkness of night,

I try to compare what is worse,

This fear or loving you with all my might.

Listening to that song we heard on repeat,

Trying to make my memories tangible,

And as sobs grow louder, I realize,

Loving you is lot more painful.

Falling for you is lot more hurtful.

I say to myself, while

I fall flat on my face in a puddle,

And it still rains on heavily.

Nothing can be worse than,

Knowing that I love you.

Not even getting older,

Not even cancer.

Went through all your SMSes the other day,

Some made me smile, and some cry.

And some left me blank and numb,

Not feeling, is better than feeling for you.

That day I slept with another man,

So I could unlove you.

But felt like someone shot my heart,

When all I could see and feel was you.

Sunlight burnt my eyes, after I woke up.

I shut all the doors and windows,

I ran away when they told me ‘You love him’,

Not knowing it would reach faster in closed doors.

I am trying hard to remember your kisses,

And your face, that’s very blurred picture now.

I only know when tears wet my shirt that,

Even missing you is better than loving you.

(Unedited Rant)

No I don’t love u,

Really... I’m just being me,

Just being selfish.

But sometimes, when I come closer to u, I take a deep breath, trying to inhale you inside me. The misty smell of your perfume and skin. I do not realize the ring cutting into my finger as I hold your hand tight, trying to make it one with mine.

I bite you; because I’m egotistic, I want to jus see you feeling the pleasure. And then when I hold you, I forget my body. I come closer to my womanhood. In the height of love making, tears of gratitude for you jus escape somehow. And I just smile as you blow smoke from a lit cigarette. Try to catch the smoke like a ghost... hoping it remains with me stored in between a book or small matchbox that you threw.

And then sometimes I stare at you. so much my eyes hurt. I try to hide my eyes behind my glasses. You might see the nakedness in my eyes, but when I shut my eyes my brain aches with your memories. I often forget when you’re actually with me and when I’m deluded.

When you talk, I want to bolt your expressions inside my ears. I don’t want anymore sounds after that. I only want to hear the clinking of the glass that you just kept down or the song that you hummed in your head. I want to sense everything that you touch. Now, as I work in the house; I find your fingerprints; on the glass, in curls of my hair and on my essence, my soul.

When you depart, I still keep standing. I overlook that you left, jus stare thoughtlessly. And then I come to the bed where u slept, truth hits me and I see each crease of the messy bed. You are really gone.

I want to melt into u, dissolve into you. Want no part of me to be into existence. Surrender and only worship u. I want to be the least and have no identity, except your name on me. Soon the bell rings and you are back home. As you put on the tv. I realize... I just want, I want so much, and I want the whole of you. I am selfish... I don’t love you. I love being empty around you.

Unison

(This is a part of random long diary entry turned into imaginative writing. Its a simple figment of imagination and attempt at erotica (its not porn!). Its unpuncutated and raw, but im really lazy to actually correct it)
Jus plain passion n unison of bodies. Holdin and grabing each other. Tearing the flesh. Bitng and bruising, tasting, drinking in the gentle flame of passion.
Movin from head to the neck, passing from ears to the chest and then the side of the waist and feet. Holding and feelin each part of the body like u have neva
know it. Feelin it jus blinded by passion. So strong tht u cant see or remember nething else. Fingers blending with his hair n skin. Mouth like tool shaping,
moulding the body again. Feel like god. Breath controlin the head which is intoxicated. You do not know who u r, u don know who he is. And u hv an odd
sense of independence while he is in control of ur senses. And he is there very close so much so tht u cant tell each other apart n feel so violently away.
He makes u feel so feminine u forgot tht u were ever a women. The beat of the constant music poundin in both of ur heads… simply forcing the act of makin passion.
Sex is the mere reaction or result of your connection and fire not an obvious act u want to do. you are kicked into extacy. he holds you jus to
connect u to the real world. But u refuse. Refuse to move, refuse to budge from there coz he is there w/ you safe n sound. Running w/ u you don know
whr but jus restfully, breathlessly running. Ur biting ur lips out of sheer loss of urge, will and enerygy. But the ache of memory in the back of ur brain, is excrutiating. so
much so its brings you into the present on the couch whr u carelessly lie. He looks at you refecting the same emotion. He holds u carelessly and grabs you
like he snached you and will never let go off u. u look at him vulnerably, you have no choice but to surrender. U burn w/ agitation of givin in to him. Tears
fly out as a sign of defeat but there is pleasure of him still holding you. As they slowly move to your neck and wets his bare naked chest, he excites you
with his world of obsession. where his nose seeps deep into ur hair, as though he's tryin to inhale u into himself. You have never seen it and will never see
it. He looks into ur eyes blured w/ tears and streaks of kajal arnd it; for the first time you can bear to look at his challenging face. He tries to mock at you
but U see him as helplessly in love as u are.