hmmm...

(Statutory Warning: This post is absolutely weird and random.. read at your own risk)

The weather is storming. It’s restless and vibrant. It’s forcing me to write. I actually just want to go out get wet and dance in the rains. Or maybe, go on a crazy, risky, fast drive to no where. Make out, jump and play in the rains. Act like kids, love like teens, feel the pouring water like an old, frayed, dying lady.
And here comes some more… wild, violent, murderous rains. What a thrilling show nature puts on for us! Then I just come near the window. The nature forces itself inside the house and penetrates inside me. Whilst reading an old friend’s thoughts on the blog, I am forced to become retrospective. But then again. how can I be normal when the nature has lost control. Might seem weird but I’m deeply connected to the natural elements. My name, although highly complicated, means nature. At this point I have completely lost the point of my post. But I shall continue because I can’t stop. Writing is like a drug takes you higher every time. If you try to quit, it will come back to you somehow, and no matter what it stays in you body and mind. Every word I type on the key bored brings new thoughts. Don’t know how this will end or where, or will it really end. It’s a long drawn process going on since forever. I’m trying to organize my head. Put different thoughts in different compartment. As it is creating technical default in my system.
Right now, I am thinking how do I get pictures uploaded on my blog (as I am pretty daft at computeering)? And I am thinking about that one person who was something more than friends and the fact that I shall never see him or my favorite book that is with him, ever again. I’m not depressed, but its just weird that you would NEVER see a particular human being again. And I am thinking of my all my favorite who will leave for a long time. Or should I concentrate on the career vs. the ‘love what I do’ fight. There’s more… picking between family and non family. My crush on this amazing guy or casual relationship, My longest ‘love of the life’ friendship or having a crush on random blog on the net. the long alone talk at the window or droplets on rain on my bare hands.
I have a funny head which only tqo people on earth have understood. One is my best girl friend and another is a stranger and will always be one. So yeah! Calmed down. The nature I mean. And well me too.

Lekha

Lekha sat at barista. It was lightly drizzling and heavily clouded. She was trying to pen down her thoughts while playing with the ice cubes in her iced tea. It was on of her blank space time, where she had so much in her head but nothing to write about. She looked around quietly, some really hot men, some pretty chicks and few other familiar faces. At that moment she was invisible for everyone. “Hey that’s Cyrus sir!” she thought to herself. But she did not feel like talking to anyone, she liked being merged in the crowd, where no one knew her. She became one with the sound around, honking, screaming, blushing giggles, loud laughs. “How will I tell him?” she thought.

Lekha was short and petite. She hardly spoke to anyone and most people thought of her as cold hearted. Her subtle features added to it. She was away from emotions. As if she could see them from a distance. She never dated in college. Whilst working she met Siddh, he was tall, thin, nerdy looking guy. He was a writer like her. And to her surprise he was an engineering graduate turned writer. She was often jealous of his writings. They understood each other. Even when they did not, they dint bother. Sometimes through the night discussing stories ideas and thoughts it was difficult for them to come to the real world leaving the fiction and fantasy. Sometimes they fought so much that it turned in to passion. And it would turn into the most lustful love making ever. But the distance always prevailed in them. Like they were miles away.

Today, she waited for him for three hours. He finally came. She had the coldest look on her face. Like always. She knew this was inevitable. “Hi sorry I’m late!” he said trying to be apologetic. “No Siddh, I am late… a month and half…” she snapped. “You mean… You are”… “Yes!” she said firmly. They both sat there for a very long time in silence. “I never told you this… I love you. And I’m really going to miss you!” he said in a heavy voice. “You know what! Me too” she looked straight in his eyes. They hugged for what seemed like eternity and parted with a kiss. While leaving she asked, “So are you going to write about this or me?” They both just smiled, giving each other last looks. She went home with tears and a satisfied smile se wrote about a story about the best break up ever.

Being ME

(this is an old post i found written on one of my blogs. ni ts surprising i can still relate to it a little bit. weird huh! so yea comments/ suggestions/ advice welcome)

It’s been a while since I left college and yes like every other person I am cribbing about: ‘Damn! Why do I miss my college so much?’ Yes it all started there. When we are little we are asked question, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?’ and I never knew what I wanted to be. But life gave roles and I accepted it. In school life and junior college I was different from any other teenager. I was in sync with my developments, maybe a little too much. Crushes were fun and revenge was new and fresh. In college like in school I realised I have always lived 2 yrs behind my life and thought 2 yrs ahead. As usual pretty complicated… but let’s get back to our story. Hmm… so the missing title of my life was always filled by something or some1… flings, boy friends, friends, parties, magic touch all the attention and fun was on. I was a student, a teacher, a leader, a hottie, a tom boy, stupid, over intelligent, sweet and blah crap… but I was something always. I never was someONE

After college and few parting weeks I was alone and free. Bored of life and doing nothing. Suddenly friends were gone and the phase of FUN and stupid flings was passed way back and I dint realise it. So I was no more the student or the other names. And since your in the 20 phase (I m sure u know that) your expected to b wise… so role at home cant be that of a careless gal having fun parting. Your duties remained same but your role was diff. so again who was I? Yea, the good gal in the house, But wait that’s not me that’s who I m expected to. So to change that social outing and formal events increased. To get back to who I was ‘used to’ being… I became the perfect hostess. So now I was the sweet hostess, but wait I wasn’t that either.

Went through different phases of being a girl to a woman, reader to writer, psychologist to philosophist and etc. some were longer and some were just a one night phase. But the question of who am I, still persists… because the deeper you go the freakier it gets. Your family, your name… hell your own body seems alien… (Yes when we say ‘my body’… its something that belongs to us not something we are)… and there in the dept of deep question. My confusion of finding my temporary and permanent identity persisted.

The other day my younger perky cousin asked me, “Wow!!! Isn’t it fun being u…?” I jus looked at her; she liked me, looked at me in awe and even followed my life patterns sometimes. I listen to her college story and smile about how simple life is to her wish i could tell her what it is to be ME...but i see her and i feel... ignorance IS bliss.