Being ME

(this is an old post i found written on one of my blogs. ni ts surprising i can still relate to it a little bit. weird huh! so yea comments/ suggestions/ advice welcome)

It’s been a while since I left college and yes like every other person I am cribbing about: ‘Damn! Why do I miss my college so much?’ Yes it all started there. When we are little we are asked question, “Who do you want to be when you grow up?’ and I never knew what I wanted to be. But life gave roles and I accepted it. In school life and junior college I was different from any other teenager. I was in sync with my developments, maybe a little too much. Crushes were fun and revenge was new and fresh. In college like in school I realised I have always lived 2 yrs behind my life and thought 2 yrs ahead. As usual pretty complicated… but let’s get back to our story. Hmm… so the missing title of my life was always filled by something or some1… flings, boy friends, friends, parties, magic touch all the attention and fun was on. I was a student, a teacher, a leader, a hottie, a tom boy, stupid, over intelligent, sweet and blah crap… but I was something always. I never was someONE

After college and few parting weeks I was alone and free. Bored of life and doing nothing. Suddenly friends were gone and the phase of FUN and stupid flings was passed way back and I dint realise it. So I was no more the student or the other names. And since your in the 20 phase (I m sure u know that) your expected to b wise… so role at home cant be that of a careless gal having fun parting. Your duties remained same but your role was diff. so again who was I? Yea, the good gal in the house, But wait that’s not me that’s who I m expected to. So to change that social outing and formal events increased. To get back to who I was ‘used to’ being… I became the perfect hostess. So now I was the sweet hostess, but wait I wasn’t that either.

Went through different phases of being a girl to a woman, reader to writer, psychologist to philosophist and etc. some were longer and some were just a one night phase. But the question of who am I, still persists… because the deeper you go the freakier it gets. Your family, your name… hell your own body seems alien… (Yes when we say ‘my body’… its something that belongs to us not something we are)… and there in the dept of deep question. My confusion of finding my temporary and permanent identity persisted.

The other day my younger perky cousin asked me, “Wow!!! Isn’t it fun being u…?” I jus looked at her; she liked me, looked at me in awe and even followed my life patterns sometimes. I listen to her college story and smile about how simple life is to her wish i could tell her what it is to be ME...but i see her and i feel... ignorance IS bliss.